CIRCLE VI

From democratic chaos to
Socialist order, back again
Through jungles to pirate
Islands then back to cloud
Forests, night flight in tangent
With the stars, only a wing
Light orients the pitch of occluded
Sky, thick and still, until waiting
In the Bank, the system is down
Commerce at a stand still
It should go to 34C today, 30C
In the shade, just sit and hold
Your place, big drops of sweat
Pearl on my forehead then move
Down into my eyes, over brows
The round face of the clock
1 hour and 48 minutes fast
Ushering patience into the future
Hurry up and wait, a sliver of
Breeze modulates the cavernous
Foyer, bank’s bowls, people milling
If you give up your space it’s quickly
Filled, less waiting for others.
Last night, we landed along a string
Of light outstretched necklace receiving
Us into her whole self out of blackness.
From my veranda, rings circle
360 degrees of view, roof tops up against
The sea, morning coming on, we roll
To the East, blue pastels rosy hues,
Covering the stars, veiled behind the sun
Curtain of light pulled over the heavens.
The oven’s heat is turned up, Caribbean
Summer waiting for another tropical
Depression to form, to cool us.  Here
Big fun is going to the ice cream parlor
Stand an hour in line to eat a sundae.
“Oh you again” was what I felt when
She answered, stillness in Victor Hugo’s Park
Sultry shade needing a mowing, so many
Unfinished projects, so much to do

Page 2      CIRCLE VI

Cuba continues to wait, living a slow death.
Saturday was restful, a trip to Central
Havana then the Park, down Obispo
Walk along the Malecon, a happy day
The sun is a ball of fire blinding above
Building tops, change money, pay people
Go to Church, accolades then forgotten
Faces, broken river purpose, chain cut
String of imaginings left unattended, links.
What can we salvage from these ruins?
A long to do list, still.   How long will
Egrem take to deposit money, return
Instead of waiting, be there for Martin’s
Concert, return again when the money
Is in the bank. Dialogue: “am I your friend
Or the man that you want to be married
To?” “I am not sure – I am a little sad
I need to decide what I am going to do
With my life?”  Uncertainty is a result
Of another intervening condition or
Interest, doubt and uncertainty are
Weightier than attraction, in balance
It is a negative.  Forgotten purpose
When should I return to Costa Rica?
Her fidelity is a function of my fidelity
Quid por quo, what does the heart and
Head say?  Opposition or harmony?
I slept better after that analysis, up
A 7:00 a.m., some fresh wind blew by
Last night and cooled things off a bit.
I am anxious for today, plans finishing
More of what is on my list.  Enjoy life
Romance, youthful dreams, the happiest
Days of a life.  New inventory to take back
The appointed hour approaches, on time
Or late? Next to the photo take.  The hour
Has passed, what are the options?  What
Are you doing waiting in the shade for
The world to turn, some in descript reason.

Page 3     CIRCLE  VI

The widening gap between trajectories
Everyday she is moving farther from you
She will not come to you nor should you
Cross the gulf to her, life goes on with
New ventures.  Some precious moments
Breathing deeply the Caribbean breeze
Afro beat from the UNEAC, chanting
Walking many in the ways of their fathers.
Passed my Cuban report to elder C who
Passed it to Apostle B, hopefully T will
Call Ernesto.  Let her go. Clouds threaten
Then they break up, diffused of their energy
Broken apart by wind, blown apart.
My apartment is becoming a rip off maybe
I should move?  Before the terrible urgency
Words in my mouth as I awoke at 4:30 a.m.
The August 14th to do list, hoping for good
News.  A rosy rim around the sky.  I have
Been running for years, now it is time
To stop running, from myself I suppose?
Friday the 15th and I have been a week here
Achieving a lot but much still pending.
The longer I screw around the greater
The threat of pirates.  In the Poli Clínica
Waiting my electro cardio gram, blood
Tests, my health is good more days to live.
Saturday morning brought wet gusts
Rain and wind hitting my open windows
Wetting and cooling things, close up quick
Business takes a new turn as the lawyer
Is dismissed, afraid there will be more
To pay, attorneys breed suspicion, maybe
Things will move faster now.  Trying to
Get a hold on my life, see what it is that
Is missing or keeps me running inside.
Hard to be at peace in one circumstance
Restless, unwilling to accept and enjoy.
Living in Cuba is not a solution, here I
Have closed a circle of my youth.

Page 4     CIRCLE VI

This is a foreign land living a slow dieing
All kinds of complications, an island
In the hurricane channel, hot humid, maybe
I should slow down on my projects, recover
Your investments, don’t make more.  Am I
Trying to prove something? What, to whom?
I have to let go. Lots of junk, things, relations
That I hold on to, like a collector, my shelves
Stacked, corners piled.  In Cuba the people
Live desperate lives, am I one of them?
The Revolution does not seem to be an answer
To their daily lives, ideals and poetry are
Not more important than bread.  I like
My orchids, lettuce and onions. (1) Do not
Assume responsibilities in the Church
That are not yours, stop worrying, let go.
(2) Emotional injuries of the past: you have
Nothing to prove to any body, just be yourself. 
(3) Poetry pending: Park/Circle Internet
www.janotterstrom.com. (4) Music business
is dynamic.  You form imaginary emotional
bonds, you feed off of another, you have a need
to be nourished, you give in, return, not selfish
but generous and emotionally dependent.
Some injury has set me wandering, psychic
Disturbances cause me to attack uselessly
U.S. politics rather than offend or cause others
To suffer from my derangements.  I was taken
Down until I had nothing except nurturing
And lots of sex, the libido freed, I had grown
Up too fast, taken on too much too early
Sexual repression, Freud had some things right.
I am living the thaw that I wrote about.  Love
Have I ever really loved, unconditional concern
Yes,  but my power to choose is faulty, I die trying.
Maybe there are no perfect matches, all give
Experience, part of a process, a greater plan
Just live life, go on rejoicing.  Dump all of the
Hurt and injury into the incinerator, burn it up.
Your journals and poetry are enough testament
Of what you have lived through. 

Page 5     CIRCLE VI

A lot of waiting here in Cuba, time blowing
By, no urgency, not much purpose, Is there
Not a cause?   So what should my future be
I am asked.  Sad when I leave because we don’t
Know when you will return.  There life goes on
Some of the happiest moments of a life, so you
Can’t plan a whole life on a few moments.
Just live each day and be glad for it, Cubans
Are conditioned and resigned to their reality.
 Later I will say that I feel that I have come
To a dead end, a cul-de-sac in life, stop, enjoy
The privacy or back out of this labyrinthine
Missed turn?  An interesting dream held me
A hierarchical organization of three levels
I was in charge, the 1st  level rudimentary
Functions, the common everyday activities
To sustain existence, the 2nd. level was art
I was organizing a choir, the 3rd was above
As Dante’s ring of light, illuminating all
Levels.  Monday the 18th, I want to get back
To Costa Rica, I am a loner, solitary person
My Anatomia musical project exhausted me
I need new energy to commercialize it.  Gusty
Today, big billowing clouds, rain later, Cyclonic
Alert 80 km winds coming, maybe it will pass
To the east, blustery and wet out side but no
Hurricane.  A busy to do list to finish before
All is brought to a halt submerged in water.
Reading the Book of Numbers, the Israelites
Could not see the vision on the promised land
Complaining constantly at every hardship
Wanting to turn back, Jehovah was trying to
Take them to a higher level of enlightenment.
We need to rejoice each day with its particular
Blessing.  Today could have been a day of a big
Storm and nobody working but the cyclone
Turned north, out to sea, have faith in the future
The Lord is taking you higher.  It is sad to me
The U.S. had such great possibilities to do good
But instead they have wrecked havoc to satisfy
Greed.  The storm passed, only a gentle rain.

Page 6    CIRCLE VI

Today the 19th calm and humid, prospects
For a hot day above 33c, people busy with
Morning chores, garbage to the dumpster
My corner H and 15th is a cross roads, up
Down, vertical, horizontal movement flow.
Another surprise to learn my bank account
Was declared inactive, running to get new
Reference letters from institutions who work
With me, need an active account to receive
Royalties.   An old man with a gross breathing
Tube in his nose just walked slowly by
Carrying a bird cage with a tiny tropical
Finch imprisoned.  The U.S. is going ahead
With their Polish missile shield and tensions
With Russia stiffen. Lehman brothers is on
The ropes, a Korean Bank turned them down.
The 21st brings a nice breeze, morning coming
On, sun passing over the Atlantic soon to shine
On the Caribbean.  Today 30 years of the Son
Its history and most famous composers, groups
Later the breeze softens a hot day from
The veranda, the sea over the roof tops, dark
Blue on an exact line of horizon pastel sky
Reality is the coincidence and permanence
Of my perceptions.  Tropical storm Fay is
Going back and forth over Florida, swamping
Them.  Plan Bush kept millions of dollars
Flowing into phony freedom foundations
And Para-military clubs, keep the Bourbon
Flowing in Miami.  Relax you cannot do more
Children playing, dogs straying, tonight you
Are walking the Malecon from G to Paseo.
A choppy nervous sea sprays the margins.
The sun behind some cloud, its rays a tripod
Sustaining its setting, sometimes surprise syntax
Happy meeting of uninvited words.  The sun
Bright below the clouds.  3 boys ready to plunge
Into the foaming swells, shadows against
The horizontal sun, walking back on Linea
I didn’t want to climb Paseo to 23rd, getting
Old in the soft light of evening, asked where

Page 7      CIRCLE VI

The P-2 stops and now where is the meeting
Of the Partido.  I guess I blend in.  Up G
Presidents to 15th, evening has taken control
On the veranda almost too dark to write
The rosy hues fading fast over the sea, lights
Of hotels and apartments square in small light
The shadow of their buildings bulk.  4:50 a.m.
The 22nd and I am cleaning my bowls
Then a shower before the airport and on board
At 7:00 a.m. Costa Rican time, Cuba just beat
The U.S. 7 to 2 in Olympic baseball, next to face
Korea for the Gold, watching the game I called
Every play, thinking that I must be a prophet.
Off the ground, a beautiful day, floating random
Clouds, blue Caribbean, smooth ride so far
Thank you Father for so many interesting
Experiences. Closing the final curve of this circle.
Part of my life, a window seat peering out over
The Caribbean from 35,000 feet, lines of cumulus
Banks, then flotillas, blue above and below
Home again, home again jiggery jig.  

Costa Rica and Cuba
August 2008